Before I forget:
He was at the river again a couple days ago. At my spot. And he brought a girl, but not just any girl. The 15 year old he was fucking around with while we were dating. They're dating now. He brought his girlfriend, who he was fucking while I was dating him, to MY spot at the river. The spot that I showed everyone how to get to. Idiot. It's not like you're 19.
And one more thing, I have fabulous friends. Because a couple months ago, when I was asking everyone if he was fucking her, so I could know and ditch him, everyone said no. They just now told me he was. Thank you.
28.7.09
I'm feeling sticky.
It has been 85 degrees in my house since I woke up 4 hours ago. What is that all about.
When I went outside at 1 this morning it was still warm enough to break a sweat.
It's supposed to reach 105 today. In Oregon. Record breaking heat, which don't go well with record breaking cramps. I'm also supposed to go to the gym at three. At least it's air conditioned. And hopefully, crossing my fingers, I can go to the river after. But it's possible that won't happen. It's way too hot to stay in my house, and way too hot to be outside if you're not near water.
And my poor kitty wants out, but it's much too hot outside for her today.
When I went outside at 1 this morning it was still warm enough to break a sweat.
It's supposed to reach 105 today. In Oregon. Record breaking heat, which don't go well with record breaking cramps. I'm also supposed to go to the gym at three. At least it's air conditioned. And hopefully, crossing my fingers, I can go to the river after. But it's possible that won't happen. It's way too hot to stay in my house, and way too hot to be outside if you're not near water.
And my poor kitty wants out, but it's much too hot outside for her today.
21.7.09
My oh my.
I am sore. This gym thing is killing me, even though I've only gone twice. But the leg work out today killed.
I did not expect him to be at the river today. Awkward. I didn't find out he would be until we were almost there. And it's not like I could have them turn the car around. Oh well.
I did not expect him to be at the river today. Awkward. I didn't find out he would be until we were almost there. And it's not like I could have them turn the car around. Oh well.
20.7.09
12.7.09
I forgot.
I forgot to mention the homeless lady I met at the river. She was probably fifty or so, mildly drunk, and would not stop talking to me. Her name was Running Bear, and she had 2 little sisters, 1 big sister, and 5 older brothers. She also used to be a stripper and would bring in $400 a night, not counting what her boss paid her. She also had nudist friend who once threw a party, and there was a couple there crying because they didn't want to take off their clothes, but they didn't get beer unless they were naked, and she didn't understand what the fuck they were scared of.
"We all come in differen' shapes and sizes and colors, some bushy some not ahahaha!"
She also had a funny poem she told me, I wish I could remember it. It was about a farmer who once had the devil knock on his door. The devil told the farmer he had to take one member of his family. The farmer offered his wife because he needed his son to work on the farm. The devil put the lady in the bag and carried her to the gates of hell. When they got here he complained about how heavy she was and she kicked him in the balls. Nine little devils came out and asked the big devil to take her back before she killed them all. He then carried her back in the sack to the farmer and told him that women were so terrible they could go to hell and back again.
Or something.
"We all come in differen' shapes and sizes and colors, some bushy some not ahahaha!"
She also had a funny poem she told me, I wish I could remember it. It was about a farmer who once had the devil knock on his door. The devil told the farmer he had to take one member of his family. The farmer offered his wife because he needed his son to work on the farm. The devil put the lady in the bag and carried her to the gates of hell. When they got here he complained about how heavy she was and she kicked him in the balls. Nine little devils came out and asked the big devil to take her back before she killed them all. He then carried her back in the sack to the farmer and told him that women were so terrible they could go to hell and back again.
Or something.
11.7.09
So there was this river.
The boys and I went to the river yesterday. It was such a fantastic, and somewhat creepy day, that I want to type it up.
I received a phone call that woke me up at approximately 9:04 am yesterday morning, to inform me that the boys would be picking me up in 45 minutes. After groaning and dragging myself out of bed, I took a quick shower, attempted to tame my hair (and failed), put on some makeup (stupid right, I'm going to the river), put on my swimsuit and some clothes over it because it suprisingly and disappointingly cold out yesterday morning, packed up some giant beach towels, ate breakfast, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and they still weren't there to pick me up. How frustrating right? It had been almost an hour, being late is one of my biggest pet peeves. I would rather be way too early then late anyday. But anyways.
They finally got to my place to pick me up a little after 10, and all four of them came running in the house to pee, find some ice, find a cooler, find a towel, etc. I told one of them where the cooler was and before he went to grab it he told me to go look in the back of my friends van. I did. Let's just say there were around 80 soda's, 6 of the Starbucks frappachinos that come in the bottles, 2 GIANT sandwiches (which tasted absolutely delicious), $40 worth of chicken strips, a case of Amps, a case of Rockstars, a thing of strawberries, a thing of blueberries, some grapes, some parfait shit, like 6 bags of chips, and more, but I forget what. It basically sucked carrying all of that. Especially because to get to the best spot at the river you have to walk through the woods and over large fallen trees. If you aren't carrying anything, the walk takes about 5-7 minutes. If you are, it takes more like ten, which doesn't seem bad, but it's unpleasant.
When we got to our spot it was empty, which was expected considering it wasn't even 11. To give you a little backround, you come out of the trees and there's this rocky little beach . When the tide comes in the water comes up and splits the beach parallel to the water, creating a little islandish area. On the other side of the river is a rope swing that goes across the water, but I'm too bad a swimmer, too much a smoker, and too little in size to fight the current, so I haven't been on it. It's basically just a little patch of perfection. Everyone who comes there cleans up after themselves, and you get the occasional homeless person who asks for your cans, but I'm not that far yet.
We got there, layed out the towels, made sure we had everything and started picking up any garbage that had been left by previous chillers and put it in the handy little "Stash the Trash" bags that were up by the path. The clouds unfortunately had not yet parted so it was still a little chilly, but warm enough at the same time. I didn't go into the water too far at first because it was too early. But I did discover a nasty little critter by my foot in the shallow water. Instinct was to run and scream like a little girl, but I fought that off and had one of the boys come catch it. It was a crawdad apparently, and I guess if you twist part of it's tail and pull you take the shitter out and can then eat them, supposedly. Everyone was too chicken too though. Not chicken enough however, to put it up next to a nipple to see what it would do. Unfortunately the boy who chose to do so ended up screaming, and when he tried to pull it off, the little guy brought up his other claw and hung on for dear life, literally, when it finally let go it was brutally murdered by a thrown rock. We all about died laughing.
After that we caught six or seven more ( I caught one all by myself!) and roasted them over a campfire, which aren't actually aloud at this river, but the cops (which I later learned are code-named "sharks" when you're at the river) never come down that far. It war pretty nasty, they sizzled quite a bit.
Once it started to get nice and toasty around 1, two of the boys left to get more ice, and me and four of the others stayed (two more of our friends had showed up). We were all relaxing on the towels under the sun when I felt something drip on my stomach. My first thought was someone decided to spit on me, but not quite. I looked up and there was a fist, squeezing the juices out of a strawberry onto my stomach. The others quickly caught on and began squishing strawberries, blueberries, and grapes in my hair and on my tummy. I have never been so sticky in my entire life. And I was mildly pissed. When I stood up I got some Rockstar thrown at me. I slowly walked into the river because it still felt cold, but I should have walked faster because someone came up behind me with a thing of ranch and empited it onto my head. Ranch is not my favorite thing to smell like, just so you know. I cleaned myself up then began plotting my revenge.
After I dried out I got a phone call from one of the boys who had left telling me that he bought a cake beacuse it had been one of their birthdays the day before. I was told to keep this a secret, and I did.
A young couple showed up at our spot a little before the boys got back with the cake. they were nice though, because that's just how it is there. Off in the woods we heard them coming back, and we could also hear them singing "Happy Birthday". We all joined in and they walked up carrying this cute little cherry cheesecake that looked rather tasty. The birthday boy decided he wanted to shove it in his face, but first said, "Hey Sierra, stand next to me while I do it." I was only a couple steps from him, but unfortunately my logic didn't click until I was right next to him. I saw the cake going straight for my face. I ducked and somehow managed to avoid it the first time, but it came back up and got me. The entire cake was on my face. As I was standing there with my mouth open in shock and horror, and my nostirls full of frosting, they came up with forks and each took a piece. Before washing my face I went and rubbed it on the birthday boy's stomach, but he's also my boyfriend so it's ok. He then claimed he felt bad, so he opened a Coke and poored it on his head. So we both got to go jump in the water, but it was fine because it finally felt good.
We found two tires in the water, and managed to create somthing really cool. But I can't give it justice in description so I'll have to try to see if anyone took a picture later.
Around 2 or 3 (I have no idea) the regulars showed up. By that I mean, the group of 3 guys who I have seen every single time I've been to that spot. The two older ones are probably in their 40's, and the other is maybe 21. They come down and drink away the afternoon basically every day. One of the older guys' names is Jeff. He introduces himself to me everytime I see him, but then again, the two times I've met him before, I didn't get there until he had drank his share. He introduced himself to me twice yesterday, because apparently he had forgotten my name. He's a nice enough guy. Although he hugged me three or so times. Once was because everyone in our group was out of cigarettes, and he offered a trade, the other time was just because he wanted one, and the last he was very drunk and wanted one. He then proceeded to tell me that I was a beautiful girl with a beautiful spirit and that whoever raised me did a damn good job and he loves them. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
April and Josh showed up randomely a little after the regulars, and Jeff wanted to feel her belly, and told her she was so amazing and so priveleged because she had the ability to carry life. April sat there trying to smile at him, but I could tell she was mildly terrified. She then went out into the water with me, up to our waists and stood there and talked a bit. She pointed out that the youngest of the regulars had been checking me out since she got there. I had noticed he had been since he arrived as well. I normally would have enjoyed the attention, in all honesty, but considering for once I'm, actually dating someone, and he was actually there with me it made me just a tad uncomfortable. Then while we were still in the water, I saw him look over at me out of the corner of my eye, and lift his beer up in my direction. "I like that pretty girl over there, I think I'm gonna get her to come home with me tonight." My eyes locked with April's and I gave her a look that only she would understand, because she replied to it saying, "Yeah, I heard that." Boyfriend then waded out into the water next to us and I made him kiss me for a second, he looked confused so I whispered to him what had just happened. He got a look that I had never seen on him before, and it made me smile just a little.
A little later, after we had gotten out of the water I decided to go try to catch some more little crawdads so I walked over away from everyone to where we found them earlier. I went about knee-deep into the water and bent over to flip over a rock. I heard someone behind me yell, "Hey!" but I didn't recognize the voice so I looked back, it was the one who "was gonna take me home". He waved and I waved back because it seemed like it would be ok to do. Then the other regular, the one who's name I never caught, shouted "Hey darlin' don't bend over like that." I replied with "Sorry" because that's all I could think of. His response was, "Oh no, it's allright, you're just gonna give me a hard on is all."
Not even shitting you. Hello , I'm 17. I'm also in a relationship. And you are what? 45?
Ok, so I didn't say that, but I would have if I had nerve. After that little conversation I decided it was not my best plan to continue bending over, and crawdad's were not worth it. I walked back and one of the boys from my group yelled something to me. I couldn't hear him so I said "What?" The youngest regular was like, "He said you look good." And he had this stupid grin on his face. Really? Did he really think I'd be attracted to a dopey lookin' guy who sits at the river all day and drinks. Yeah, no. Sorry.
After that we decided it was about time to leave, this decision was established by the thunder and lightening that arrived.
And that was my fantastic river day with some mild creepiness.
I received a phone call that woke me up at approximately 9:04 am yesterday morning, to inform me that the boys would be picking me up in 45 minutes. After groaning and dragging myself out of bed, I took a quick shower, attempted to tame my hair (and failed), put on some makeup (stupid right, I'm going to the river), put on my swimsuit and some clothes over it because it suprisingly and disappointingly cold out yesterday morning, packed up some giant beach towels, ate breakfast, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, and they still weren't there to pick me up. How frustrating right? It had been almost an hour, being late is one of my biggest pet peeves. I would rather be way too early then late anyday. But anyways.
They finally got to my place to pick me up a little after 10, and all four of them came running in the house to pee, find some ice, find a cooler, find a towel, etc. I told one of them where the cooler was and before he went to grab it he told me to go look in the back of my friends van. I did. Let's just say there were around 80 soda's, 6 of the Starbucks frappachinos that come in the bottles, 2 GIANT sandwiches (which tasted absolutely delicious), $40 worth of chicken strips, a case of Amps, a case of Rockstars, a thing of strawberries, a thing of blueberries, some grapes, some parfait shit, like 6 bags of chips, and more, but I forget what. It basically sucked carrying all of that. Especially because to get to the best spot at the river you have to walk through the woods and over large fallen trees. If you aren't carrying anything, the walk takes about 5-7 minutes. If you are, it takes more like ten, which doesn't seem bad, but it's unpleasant.
When we got to our spot it was empty, which was expected considering it wasn't even 11. To give you a little backround, you come out of the trees and there's this rocky little beach . When the tide comes in the water comes up and splits the beach parallel to the water, creating a little islandish area. On the other side of the river is a rope swing that goes across the water, but I'm too bad a swimmer, too much a smoker, and too little in size to fight the current, so I haven't been on it. It's basically just a little patch of perfection. Everyone who comes there cleans up after themselves, and you get the occasional homeless person who asks for your cans, but I'm not that far yet.
We got there, layed out the towels, made sure we had everything and started picking up any garbage that had been left by previous chillers and put it in the handy little "Stash the Trash" bags that were up by the path. The clouds unfortunately had not yet parted so it was still a little chilly, but warm enough at the same time. I didn't go into the water too far at first because it was too early. But I did discover a nasty little critter by my foot in the shallow water. Instinct was to run and scream like a little girl, but I fought that off and had one of the boys come catch it. It was a crawdad apparently, and I guess if you twist part of it's tail and pull you take the shitter out and can then eat them, supposedly. Everyone was too chicken too though. Not chicken enough however, to put it up next to a nipple to see what it would do. Unfortunately the boy who chose to do so ended up screaming, and when he tried to pull it off, the little guy brought up his other claw and hung on for dear life, literally, when it finally let go it was brutally murdered by a thrown rock. We all about died laughing.
After that we caught six or seven more ( I caught one all by myself!) and roasted them over a campfire, which aren't actually aloud at this river, but the cops (which I later learned are code-named "sharks" when you're at the river) never come down that far. It war pretty nasty, they sizzled quite a bit.
Once it started to get nice and toasty around 1, two of the boys left to get more ice, and me and four of the others stayed (two more of our friends had showed up). We were all relaxing on the towels under the sun when I felt something drip on my stomach. My first thought was someone decided to spit on me, but not quite. I looked up and there was a fist, squeezing the juices out of a strawberry onto my stomach. The others quickly caught on and began squishing strawberries, blueberries, and grapes in my hair and on my tummy. I have never been so sticky in my entire life. And I was mildly pissed. When I stood up I got some Rockstar thrown at me. I slowly walked into the river because it still felt cold, but I should have walked faster because someone came up behind me with a thing of ranch and empited it onto my head. Ranch is not my favorite thing to smell like, just so you know. I cleaned myself up then began plotting my revenge.
After I dried out I got a phone call from one of the boys who had left telling me that he bought a cake beacuse it had been one of their birthdays the day before. I was told to keep this a secret, and I did.
A young couple showed up at our spot a little before the boys got back with the cake. they were nice though, because that's just how it is there. Off in the woods we heard them coming back, and we could also hear them singing "Happy Birthday". We all joined in and they walked up carrying this cute little cherry cheesecake that looked rather tasty. The birthday boy decided he wanted to shove it in his face, but first said, "Hey Sierra, stand next to me while I do it." I was only a couple steps from him, but unfortunately my logic didn't click until I was right next to him. I saw the cake going straight for my face. I ducked and somehow managed to avoid it the first time, but it came back up and got me. The entire cake was on my face. As I was standing there with my mouth open in shock and horror, and my nostirls full of frosting, they came up with forks and each took a piece. Before washing my face I went and rubbed it on the birthday boy's stomach, but he's also my boyfriend so it's ok. He then claimed he felt bad, so he opened a Coke and poored it on his head. So we both got to go jump in the water, but it was fine because it finally felt good.
We found two tires in the water, and managed to create somthing really cool. But I can't give it justice in description so I'll have to try to see if anyone took a picture later.
Around 2 or 3 (I have no idea) the regulars showed up. By that I mean, the group of 3 guys who I have seen every single time I've been to that spot. The two older ones are probably in their 40's, and the other is maybe 21. They come down and drink away the afternoon basically every day. One of the older guys' names is Jeff. He introduces himself to me everytime I see him, but then again, the two times I've met him before, I didn't get there until he had drank his share. He introduced himself to me twice yesterday, because apparently he had forgotten my name. He's a nice enough guy. Although he hugged me three or so times. Once was because everyone in our group was out of cigarettes, and he offered a trade, the other time was just because he wanted one, and the last he was very drunk and wanted one. He then proceeded to tell me that I was a beautiful girl with a beautiful spirit and that whoever raised me did a damn good job and he loves them. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
April and Josh showed up randomely a little after the regulars, and Jeff wanted to feel her belly, and told her she was so amazing and so priveleged because she had the ability to carry life. April sat there trying to smile at him, but I could tell she was mildly terrified. She then went out into the water with me, up to our waists and stood there and talked a bit. She pointed out that the youngest of the regulars had been checking me out since she got there. I had noticed he had been since he arrived as well. I normally would have enjoyed the attention, in all honesty, but considering for once I'm, actually dating someone, and he was actually there with me it made me just a tad uncomfortable. Then while we were still in the water, I saw him look over at me out of the corner of my eye, and lift his beer up in my direction. "I like that pretty girl over there, I think I'm gonna get her to come home with me tonight." My eyes locked with April's and I gave her a look that only she would understand, because she replied to it saying, "Yeah, I heard that." Boyfriend then waded out into the water next to us and I made him kiss me for a second, he looked confused so I whispered to him what had just happened. He got a look that I had never seen on him before, and it made me smile just a little.
A little later, after we had gotten out of the water I decided to go try to catch some more little crawdads so I walked over away from everyone to where we found them earlier. I went about knee-deep into the water and bent over to flip over a rock. I heard someone behind me yell, "Hey!" but I didn't recognize the voice so I looked back, it was the one who "was gonna take me home". He waved and I waved back because it seemed like it would be ok to do. Then the other regular, the one who's name I never caught, shouted "Hey darlin' don't bend over like that." I replied with "Sorry" because that's all I could think of. His response was, "Oh no, it's allright, you're just gonna give me a hard on is all."
Not even shitting you. Hello , I'm 17. I'm also in a relationship. And you are what? 45?
Ok, so I didn't say that, but I would have if I had nerve. After that little conversation I decided it was not my best plan to continue bending over, and crawdad's were not worth it. I walked back and one of the boys from my group yelled something to me. I couldn't hear him so I said "What?" The youngest regular was like, "He said you look good." And he had this stupid grin on his face. Really? Did he really think I'd be attracted to a dopey lookin' guy who sits at the river all day and drinks. Yeah, no. Sorry.
After that we decided it was about time to leave, this decision was established by the thunder and lightening that arrived.
And that was my fantastic river day with some mild creepiness.
9.7.09
Regretful truths.
If something happens to her, I don't know what I'll do. If she makes one wrong move, she could be gone. I'm really not sure I'd be able to live with that. I shouldn't have made him tell her the truth. Yes, no shit he shouldn't have done that. You don't kiss someone, when you're engaged, and when you know for a fucking fact that they don't want you to, to "prove a point". No, it doesn't work that way. But if I wouldn't have made him tell, she'd be fine. She'd be perfectly happy and content. Ignorance is bliss, though it's not ignorance she had, it was trust. She trusted him. She knew full and well what he was capeable of, but she trusted that he truely had grown up, truely changed. Even I believed it. I of all fucking people should know better than to believe a single word that rolls off his tongue. But I did, because that's what I do. Because I'm stupid and I believe that he "just wants to talk". He wants to help me. Bull. He has never helped me. Sitting there and spitting out all these things he thinks he knows about me.
"Remember, Sierra. Remember that night you cut yourself so bad? There were 157 on that arm and 198 on this arm."
Trying to prove to me you remembers everything.
Fuck you. I only had 169 the first night. One for every single day of Daniel's life I wasted. You were wrong. Yeah, there were more the night after, but I stopped counting. So don't pretend you know who I am. I am not the same stupid little girl who will still fall for you fake sincerity. You never cared. Ever. I have changed, unlike you. I have grown up, unlike you. So what if I have sex? So what if I smoke or drink or do anything at all? Don't tell me you don't do it. And either way, that is my choice. It's not like I'm being forced, every single thing I have done wrong, has been because I chose to do it. I don't need to change my friends. They do not define who I am. And neither do you. I don't want your help. And for the record, the reason I don't want your help is not because "I'm scared we're going to fall back in love with each other". Yeah right.
You can take your ability to cry on cue, and your hypocracy, and you can shove it.
If she's not ok...Ohhhhhh.
"Remember, Sierra. Remember that night you cut yourself so bad? There were 157 on that arm and 198 on this arm."
Trying to prove to me you remembers everything.
Fuck you. I only had 169 the first night. One for every single day of Daniel's life I wasted. You were wrong. Yeah, there were more the night after, but I stopped counting. So don't pretend you know who I am. I am not the same stupid little girl who will still fall for you fake sincerity. You never cared. Ever. I have changed, unlike you. I have grown up, unlike you. So what if I have sex? So what if I smoke or drink or do anything at all? Don't tell me you don't do it. And either way, that is my choice. It's not like I'm being forced, every single thing I have done wrong, has been because I chose to do it. I don't need to change my friends. They do not define who I am. And neither do you. I don't want your help. And for the record, the reason I don't want your help is not because "I'm scared we're going to fall back in love with each other". Yeah right.
You can take your ability to cry on cue, and your hypocracy, and you can shove it.
If she's not ok...Ohhhhhh.
5.7.09
Culinary school.
That seems like it would be a logical choice, for someone who has no idea what to do with her life, and enjoys cooking. I hope. I'm tired of people asking what I want to do with my life.
Questiong of the day: How dangerous is it to date one of your best friends?
Because I'm doing that. Have been doing that. For the past nine days. And I'm worried, but at the same time extremely happy. I suppose the sweet ones aren't as terrible as I thought...
Questiong of the day: How dangerous is it to date one of your best friends?
Because I'm doing that. Have been doing that. For the past nine days. And I'm worried, but at the same time extremely happy. I suppose the sweet ones aren't as terrible as I thought...
1.7.09
And there you have it.
I fought it for a long time now
While drowning in a river of denial
I washed up, fixed up, picked up
All my broken things
'Cause you left me
Police scene, chalk line
Tequila shots
In the dark scene of the crime
Suburban living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
It took a lot to take you home
One stupid call
And I end up alone
You made up, dressed up, messed up
Plans I set in stone
But you made me do it
And I don't like dancing in the alley
With a street rat night life
Can't keep living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
Make a fool of myself
When you hang around
When you're gone
I'm a match that's burning out
Could've been, should've done
What I said I was going to
(Said that I would do)
But I never promised you
(But I never promised you)
Promised you, promised you
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
It never took a fool
To see the things that I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do ya
Oh, oh, oh
('Cause you left me)
How was I supposed to know
(Police scene, chalk line)
That you were oh, oh, over me?
(Tequila shots)
I think that I should go
(In the dark scene of the crime)
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I
Damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
And that would be "Damned if I do ya (Damned if I don't)" by All Time Low.
While drowning in a river of denial
I washed up, fixed up, picked up
All my broken things
'Cause you left me
Police scene, chalk line
Tequila shots
In the dark scene of the crime
Suburban living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
It took a lot to take you home
One stupid call
And I end up alone
You made up, dressed up, messed up
Plans I set in stone
But you made me do it
And I don't like dancing in the alley
With a street rat night life
Can't keep living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
Make a fool of myself
When you hang around
When you're gone
I'm a match that's burning out
Could've been, should've done
What I said I was going to
(Said that I would do)
But I never promised you
(But I never promised you)
Promised you, promised you
Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know
That you were oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go! )
It never took a fool
To see the things that I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do ya
Oh, oh, oh
('Cause you left me)
How was I supposed to know
(Police scene, chalk line)
That you were oh, oh, over me?
(Tequila shots)
I think that I should go
(In the dark scene of the crime)
Something's telling me to leave
But I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I
Damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't
And that would be "Damned if I do ya (Damned if I don't)" by All Time Low.
23.6.09
Yes, I did just post a blog moments ago.
I did not, however, take it at all into the direction I had hoped it would go. Which could prove a point, but maybe not.
Oddly enough I feel mildly better at the moment. I found myself caught up in other blogs and paintings I wish I had the talent to create. I have so many that are half finished. And my mood swings are a tad ridiculous.
Now, where was I going.
I'm not sure, but it as absolutely stifling in here. It has to be at least 80 degrees. And It's eleven o'clock. That doesn't work for me. This is Oregon.
I want to write a book. An autobiography. I sort of have that started in my other blog, but I'm honestly terrified to write it. "Chapter 1" was easy pie. Easy easy easy pie. But there are much harder things to write about. To remember and actually put into words. I've told the story a million times, but in a robotic way. An emotionless way. I've read the script, but put no emotion into it. I've almost never gone into detail. And if you want a book to be worth reading, detail is an absolute must. A story without detail is like a birthday cake without candles (Speaking of, I somehow managed to have my birthday this year without blowing out a single candle? How could such a horrid thing happen?).
This book will need a title. But what.
Previously thought of options (and their problems):
+Fake it 'Till You Make it. --->Works perfectly in most aspects, but no originality whatsoever.
+Because, etc. --->I don't know where this came from, but it works. And I kind of like it, but is it
Ok, so I forgot the rest. But basically if I had to choose between those two it would be the second. Even though it isn't very colorful, vibrant. But I guess my story isn't exactly a pocketful of rainbows.
Oddly enough I feel mildly better at the moment. I found myself caught up in other blogs and paintings I wish I had the talent to create. I have so many that are half finished. And my mood swings are a tad ridiculous.
Now, where was I going.
I'm not sure, but it as absolutely stifling in here. It has to be at least 80 degrees. And It's eleven o'clock. That doesn't work for me. This is Oregon.
I want to write a book. An autobiography. I sort of have that started in my other blog, but I'm honestly terrified to write it. "Chapter 1" was easy pie. Easy easy easy pie. But there are much harder things to write about. To remember and actually put into words. I've told the story a million times, but in a robotic way. An emotionless way. I've read the script, but put no emotion into it. I've almost never gone into detail. And if you want a book to be worth reading, detail is an absolute must. A story without detail is like a birthday cake without candles (Speaking of, I somehow managed to have my birthday this year without blowing out a single candle? How could such a horrid thing happen?).
This book will need a title. But what.
Previously thought of options (and their problems):
+Fake it 'Till You Make it. --->Works perfectly in most aspects, but no originality whatsoever.
+Because, etc. --->I don't know where this came from, but it works. And I kind of like it, but is it
Ok, so I forgot the rest. But basically if I had to choose between those two it would be the second. Even though it isn't very colorful, vibrant. But I guess my story isn't exactly a pocketful of rainbows.
It's so hard.
That's what she said, but seriously.
It is hard. It's hard to listen to all of everyones accomplishments today. It's one of those days. The day were you feel forgotten. The day were your originial plans get canceled, then someone else makes plans with you, then cancels, then you cancel on someone else because you end up in such a shitty mood that you don't even want to leave your room, but you want more than anything for someone to come pick you up and ask you how you are. It isn't that no one asks, it's that the people you want to ask, the people you want to care, don't. So then, you're miserable. Because they are the only thing running through your mind. Over and over again you replay the good nights. The time she figured out you actually read. The time you both agreed that Edward never should have left Bella, and she should have stuck with Jake. The night you called her Bella. The night you told her about your bad dreams, and your good dreams. The times you held her hand, the days you pulled her closer, when you kissed her-in public. Yeah, those were the days that she wants to forget, but would hate if she did.
What kind of a 17 year old girl gets mixed up with a 19 year old who has a baby. Really.
I hate self control. I want to give up again. But seriously. Is it worth the hospital again? Am I willing to start over at zero after not doing it for eight months? I hate therapy. I don't want to go back. One time is never just one time. Never. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. Not even close.
It is hard. It's hard to listen to all of everyones accomplishments today. It's one of those days. The day were you feel forgotten. The day were your originial plans get canceled, then someone else makes plans with you, then cancels, then you cancel on someone else because you end up in such a shitty mood that you don't even want to leave your room, but you want more than anything for someone to come pick you up and ask you how you are. It isn't that no one asks, it's that the people you want to ask, the people you want to care, don't. So then, you're miserable. Because they are the only thing running through your mind. Over and over again you replay the good nights. The time she figured out you actually read. The time you both agreed that Edward never should have left Bella, and she should have stuck with Jake. The night you called her Bella. The night you told her about your bad dreams, and your good dreams. The times you held her hand, the days you pulled her closer, when you kissed her-in public. Yeah, those were the days that she wants to forget, but would hate if she did.
What kind of a 17 year old girl gets mixed up with a 19 year old who has a baby. Really.
I hate self control. I want to give up again. But seriously. Is it worth the hospital again? Am I willing to start over at zero after not doing it for eight months? I hate therapy. I don't want to go back. One time is never just one time. Never. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't. Not even close.
22.6.09
I regret you.
But that's a lie. No matter how much I know I should regret ever speaking to you in the first place, I don't. Because I'm that kind of a person. Two days ago you told me I ruined your life. You told me never to talk to you again. You told me I knew nothing about you, and that I'm just a scared little girl who can't wrap her head around anything. You told me you were going to have my ass beat.
You told me things that made me hate you, for a day at least. I allready want to tell you I'm sorry. I want to apologize for everything I said, and for not being good enough. But I can't. Because if anyone found out I did they'd bitch at me. But they don't get it. They don't get what kind of a person I am. They don't realize how much it takes for me to hate someone. How far I have to be pushed for me to realize how terrible they are. I don't work like everyone else. I can name people similar to me, but no one like me. I'm like a fucking dog. But then again, even dogs bite back.
I just want you to get me.
You told me things that made me hate you, for a day at least. I allready want to tell you I'm sorry. I want to apologize for everything I said, and for not being good enough. But I can't. Because if anyone found out I did they'd bitch at me. But they don't get it. They don't get what kind of a person I am. They don't realize how much it takes for me to hate someone. How far I have to be pushed for me to realize how terrible they are. I don't work like everyone else. I can name people similar to me, but no one like me. I'm like a fucking dog. But then again, even dogs bite back.
I just want you to get me.
16.6.09
I don't know what I'm trying to prove.
I really really don't. Yes, it is mostly the day-after-break-up-miserablness that's the cause of this I'm sure, but still. I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it.
Ok, I'm doing nothing, that's what I'm doing. I spent an hour and a half scraping paint off the deck and my hand ached for another hour after from holding the scraper thing so tight. I got $20 for it. Which is totally helping me trying to quit smoking. Which it seems like I basically gave up on. I was good yesterday. Until, of coarse, he finally decided to text me back.
This is only like the third time anyone's ever broke up with me. Unless you count the times when I was too chicken to dump them so I just turned into a bitch, but I don't. Why wouldn't he be attracted to be anymore. We may have only dated for like three weeks, but we've been basically together for months. What changed? The more he talked to me the more he felt it slipping. He's hardly talked to me at all in the past week. How does that work. Really. Seriously.
I want ice cream. And brownies. And everything terrible for me. And I want to dye my hair pink because I know he would hate it. I want to go sit in front of his house with some other guy, just to see if he feels anything. I want to change his Myspace password and fuck his whole account up. No, I don't. I don't want him to hate me. I want him to text me. I want him to ask me how I am. Ask me anything. I don't even care. I had to hear is bullshit about feeling guilty last night, if he really feels that terrible about it, he would ask me if I was doing ok. I don't want what he said to be bullshit, but I have no idea what to believe. I'm not texting him first. I don't want to be her. That pathetic obsessive depressed ex-girlfriend. I just really wanted us to work. I wanted him to care.
I don't get it. Before we happened, he said he was gonna be alone forever. We got together finally, and he said he always knew it would happen. Now we're this. We're right back where we started.
I need a cigarette, a friend, and vacation.
Ok, I'm doing nothing, that's what I'm doing. I spent an hour and a half scraping paint off the deck and my hand ached for another hour after from holding the scraper thing so tight. I got $20 for it. Which is totally helping me trying to quit smoking. Which it seems like I basically gave up on. I was good yesterday. Until, of coarse, he finally decided to text me back.
This is only like the third time anyone's ever broke up with me. Unless you count the times when I was too chicken to dump them so I just turned into a bitch, but I don't. Why wouldn't he be attracted to be anymore. We may have only dated for like three weeks, but we've been basically together for months. What changed? The more he talked to me the more he felt it slipping. He's hardly talked to me at all in the past week. How does that work. Really. Seriously.
I want ice cream. And brownies. And everything terrible for me. And I want to dye my hair pink because I know he would hate it. I want to go sit in front of his house with some other guy, just to see if he feels anything. I want to change his Myspace password and fuck his whole account up. No, I don't. I don't want him to hate me. I want him to text me. I want him to ask me how I am. Ask me anything. I don't even care. I had to hear is bullshit about feeling guilty last night, if he really feels that terrible about it, he would ask me if I was doing ok. I don't want what he said to be bullshit, but I have no idea what to believe. I'm not texting him first. I don't want to be her. That pathetic obsessive depressed ex-girlfriend. I just really wanted us to work. I wanted him to care.
I don't get it. Before we happened, he said he was gonna be alone forever. We got together finally, and he said he always knew it would happen. Now we're this. We're right back where we started.
I need a cigarette, a friend, and vacation.
It's 3 AM I Must Be Lonely, And Upset.
Well not quite. Almost.
Ok, it's 2 AM.
I would just like to say that I appreciate you lying to me about why you wanted to end it. It really makes me feel great. Sorry you aren't attracted to me anymore. And sorry I don't live close enough. I'm even more sorry that she lives closer, and she's as big of a stoner as you. I'm sorry you got back into it, I tried to help you. And for a little while it was really working. You were a great person. But now you're just a jackass again. I mean seriously.
Yeah I'm upset, yeah you hurt me. Sorry if you didn't want to, but it's pretty much inevitable. You know how much I care about you. You know how much I did for you, but you threw me away again.
I guess it's my fault. Everyone told me how big of a jerk you were, and how you'd just break my heart. I had to try and convince them that you changed, you were a better person. And you were. Before we started dating you were sweeter to me than after. You told me things then you don't tell me now.
Then you gave up on staying clean and outta trouble.
I don't want to miss you all summer. And I don't want to wish you'll ask me for it when you need it. But you probably will, and I'll probably give in.
Ok, it's 2 AM.
I would just like to say that I appreciate you lying to me about why you wanted to end it. It really makes me feel great. Sorry you aren't attracted to me anymore. And sorry I don't live close enough. I'm even more sorry that she lives closer, and she's as big of a stoner as you. I'm sorry you got back into it, I tried to help you. And for a little while it was really working. You were a great person. But now you're just a jackass again. I mean seriously.
Yeah I'm upset, yeah you hurt me. Sorry if you didn't want to, but it's pretty much inevitable. You know how much I care about you. You know how much I did for you, but you threw me away again.
I guess it's my fault. Everyone told me how big of a jerk you were, and how you'd just break my heart. I had to try and convince them that you changed, you were a better person. And you were. Before we started dating you were sweeter to me than after. You told me things then you don't tell me now.
Then you gave up on staying clean and outta trouble.
I don't want to miss you all summer. And I don't want to wish you'll ask me for it when you need it. But you probably will, and I'll probably give in.
7.6.09
I'm not a city girl.
So, there was this birthday party, of this two year old who is the daughter of my aunt and uncle's friend, who I had never met. Anyways. It was sort of downtown, and I again realized I do not belong in the city. Yes, the night lights are beautiful, and the people are unique. However, it makes me feel just a teeny bit claustrophobic. I like back yards, and front yards for that matter. I don't like the noise of cars, and I have a fear of crossing streets. I do not at all find the brushing of your shoulder's against a random strangers invigorating or at all pleasant. It's awkaward. Crowds are no where near my favorite place to be, and whether or not I have terrible allergies, I would much rather spend my day at a quiet park with swings and grass, then the waterfront with drug dealers and the smell of dog shit.
It is partially because I'm extremely paranoid. I stand between the skyscrapers, and cross my fingers hoping to God they won't fall and crush us all. I'm scared of strangers, and I don't trust the food. Sure, the people who paint themselves gold and stand impossibly still are interesting, and I like the garbage can drumming, but it's not my kind of lifestyle. I don't necessarily want to live all up in the mountains, and hermit myself away, but I don't want to be squished. I don't want to see needles scattered across the sidewalk. And I'm not into the club scene.
I like horses. I like barns. I like the smell of the outside, and walking barefoot in the mud. I don't like worms or spiders, and I scream when I see bees, but there is nothing better then being outside in a thunder storm, or feeling the heat of summer rain.
It is partially because I'm extremely paranoid. I stand between the skyscrapers, and cross my fingers hoping to God they won't fall and crush us all. I'm scared of strangers, and I don't trust the food. Sure, the people who paint themselves gold and stand impossibly still are interesting, and I like the garbage can drumming, but it's not my kind of lifestyle. I don't necessarily want to live all up in the mountains, and hermit myself away, but I don't want to be squished. I don't want to see needles scattered across the sidewalk. And I'm not into the club scene.
I like horses. I like barns. I like the smell of the outside, and walking barefoot in the mud. I don't like worms or spiders, and I scream when I see bees, but there is nothing better then being outside in a thunder storm, or feeling the heat of summer rain.
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