I don't know what I'm trying to prove.

I really really don't. Yes, it is mostly the day-after-break-up-miserablness that's the cause of this I'm sure, but still. I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it.

Ok, I'm doing nothing, that's what I'm doing. I spent an hour and a half scraping paint off the deck and my hand ached for another hour after from holding the scraper thing so tight. I got $20 for it. Which is totally helping me trying to quit smoking. Which it seems like I basically gave up on. I was good yesterday. Until, of coarse, he finally decided to text me back.

This is only like the third time anyone's ever broke up with me. Unless you count the times when I was too chicken to dump them so I just turned into a bitch, but I don't. Why wouldn't he be attracted to be anymore. We may have only dated for like three weeks, but we've been basically together for months. What changed? The more he talked to me the more he felt it slipping. He's hardly talked to me at all in the past week. How does that work. Really. Seriously.

I want ice cream. And brownies. And everything terrible for me. And I want to dye my hair pink because I know he would hate it. I want to go sit in front of his house with some other guy, just to see if he feels anything. I want to change his Myspace password and fuck his whole account up. No, I don't. I don't want him to hate me. I want him to text me. I want him to ask me how I am. Ask me anything. I don't even care. I had to hear is bullshit about feeling guilty last night, if he really feels that terrible about it, he would ask me if I was doing ok. I don't want what he said to be bullshit, but I have no idea what to believe. I'm not texting him first. I don't want to be her. That pathetic obsessive depressed ex-girlfriend. I just really wanted us to work. I wanted him to care.

I don't get it. Before we happened, he said he was gonna be alone forever. We got together finally, and he said he always knew it would happen. Now we're this. We're right back where we started.

I need a cigarette, a friend, and vacation.