Wtf.

Yesterday morning, my friend, who is also my ex, who is also the boy I loved and continue to love more than any other boy in the world, came over to my house around noon because I owed him a batch of brownies. His ride had to go pick someone else up, so he stayed around and hung out with me. Which doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it used to. He ate brownies, and helped my little brother put away dishes. Then April and Josh showed up, which was awesome, because I love them. They invited me to stay the night, because they alsways do. I decided I would, and then they invited him. And he said yes. I didn't know what to think of it at first, it seemed like a bad idea (logically), but a perfectly fine idea otherwise. He's fun to be around, and Josh and April both like him.



Everything was going smoothly. We were all chillin' and having a great time. Then Josh and April went to bed, we watched the Goonies. I was half asleep on the floor when I heard you say my name. I mumbled some sort of response. You said "Come lay up here with me." and patted the couch.
Whatttt theee fuck. That's all that went through my mind. That's it. I assumed I dreamt that, so I said "What?", and you said it again.

I got up and sat by your feet, I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to be so close, but I did at the same time. I didn't want you to do anything stupid. I sat there for a long time. You kept saying I could move over and lay down with you, but my heart was racing, and I knew I couldn't do it. I knew I'd do something stupid. Or cry.

But I regret so much not doing it.

The next morning, we wrestled over a bat. A little tiny bat, that is used to hit the ferrets around. For three hours. We rolled all over each other. Everybit of it was sexual, I know you felt it too. You told me after.

Then we had to leave.

"Hey, where are we dropping you off at?"

"Uh, can you take me to Melissa's?"

Fuck. That.