Rumor has it-

So, apparently, his wife beat the shit out of him again, so he went and got a hotel room. Later that night, some cops found him wandering the streets incoherently, I guess he took a bunch of pills. They knew him, because he used to be a cop, so one of them took him to the hospital. The psych evaluater decided he was not a harm to himself or anyone else, so his cop buddy took him back to his hotel room. When they got there, there were three empty prescription bottles that had been filled earlier that day, and a beebee gun under the mattress.

That's my dad. What the fuck did I do.

I had something to say.

It was very important, I think.

But I don't remember what it was.

I want to talk to someone, about me. About all my stupid issues, but I'm so fucking tired of pouring all my shit onto people. It's what I used to always do. That's why I started this blog, so I wouldn't have to. I can't figure everything out on my own, I know that. But I don't like it. Why can't I just take care of myself, fix my problems. Why does it have to be so difficult.

Oh, because I'm a masochist. That's right.

I'm feeling extremly bipolar today. I've gone back and forth between fabulous and miserable since I woke up this morning, and I don't know why.

Something did happen today though, that made me feel really good. I talked to the boyfriend stealing bitch's best friend. Said "Hey what's up," etc. etc. She asked how I was and said she missed me, then asked if I was mad at her. I said I wasn't of coarse, because I wasn't. Her response - "Ok, cool. I'm really sorry about what happened though, it fuckin' pissed me off. I seriously wanted to punch her in the face because I couldn't believe she would do that to you and she knows I love you, but she did it anyways. For real, it was fucked up shit, and I can't believe either of them did it."

I don't really care if she ment it or not. If she was just saying it to make sure I didn't hate her. It doesn't bother me if it's the truth or a lie. I like that she said that, and I was suprised she did too. I didn't realize that she actually considered me enough of a friend to say that of her bestfriend. I'd hang out with her or something, but her and what's-her-face are seemingly inseperable.

I just really appreciate what she said. Alot. It makes me feel less loser-ish about still being upset over it, just because she agrees it was a bitch move.


PS-I feel like I'm fighting for nothing. I feel empty.

Bad dream.

I dreamt he broke up with her, and it just so happened she was laying on a couch that I had to keep walking by, and I almost felt sorry for her, but I was so glad they were over. Then I found him, and I didn't know what to say. Then he reached out for me, and wrapped me in his arms. He held me, and apologized for everything he said and did, and said he wished he could love me the way I deserved because he honestly never wanted me out of his life. And I cried in his arms.

He isn't the boy of my dreams. He isn't going to change. It's time to move on.

How odd.

I just did a lot of homework. At least the largest amount I've done in one afternoon, in probably over a year, maybe two. And it wasn't even because I have a huge project tomorrow. My lab report isn't due 'til Friday, and I don't know when the research for the bio project is due, and I'm ahead three chapters in the book, and I anazlyzed the quotes, and am prepared for Ryan's class tomorrow. I'm never prepared for his class.

I think I might try to cohort. The thought is really scary, but I know I can do it. I just have to convince myself it would be worth it. No-not even that. I know it would be worth it. I just don't dig change.

My brain doesn't hurt, like I would think it would. It's thirsty. I want more. I want someone to give me a paper to take notes on. I want to solve an equation.

I have that stupid high you get, when you first start something. Oh joy, I hope it stays for a little while.

Highschool.

Is extremely ridiculous. It started last Wednesday. A girl in one of my classes asked, completely sincerely, if Antarctica was cold.




I don't even have words. Totally speechless. Fuck this. Seriously. I really really hate school. I hate having to deal with the people I only pretend to like, and then there's also the people who I don't even bother pretending to like (Btw: I had a dream I beat her ass into the ground, and it felt so good). Then there's the people who offer you a cigarette, then realize they don't have enough to spare, so they ask you for one instead. Then there's the teacher who is constantly putting you down in front of the class, and it almost pisses you off, but he's told you multiple times that you have one of the best fucking personalaities in the school, and that you're brilliant, and could be anything you wanted, so you let him without getting too offended. Because he knows how you think. So you just sit there and hope he doesn't blame you completely for being worthless. Then there's the class, the one class you were excited to have back, the only class you would ever give up summer for, and only because no matter how angry or upset or determined to be miserable you were, that class always took it away. And now the teacher's gone. So now you have nothing. Your motivation for getting through each class is "Ok, I only have 4 more periods...3...2..1..." Nothing is interesting. You've been assigned to write an essay that sounds like it's for 4th graders, yet you can't even come up with anything for it. You're doing the same math as last term, but forgot all the formulas over summer. And there's hardly even any cute new boys. And if any of the new kids do smoke, they haven't figured out where you're supposed to yet, so you haven't met any one worth interest, because if they don't smoke, you probably won't hang out with them as much as someone else.

Ugh. I don't know.
I feel like crying.
This is dumb.

Alkaline Trio-Calling All Skeletons

Here it is again
Yet it stings like the first time
Seems it never ends
Double nickels on your dime
I thought we were friends
I guess it just depends who you ask
These feelings tend to leave me with a hole in my chest

Now the time has come
I just wish I could erase
All the damage done to your name
And your keepsakes
Only just begun its been fun
We were blind deaf and dumb
There's a party in my closet
Calling all skeletons

Where did you go
As the lights went black
Look whats become of me
I've grown to love your disappearing acts
Do one more, pretty please

Now the time has come
I just wish I could erase
All the damage down, all this pain
All this heartache
Its only just begun its been fun
We were fucked up and numb
There's a killer on the corner
And he's looking for love
He's looking for love
Yea he's looking for
(you my love)

Where did you go
As the lights went black
Whats become of me
I've grown to love your disappearing acts
do one more pretty please
And to tell you the truth
I lost my faith on you
(you gotta stop sneaking off on me)
And these unspoken lies
Appear at the worst times
(You gotta stop sneaking off on me)
They're hiding just beyond your eyes

I hate convincing myself.

Ya know? Trying to tell yourself how to think, but you always seem to slip up.

I cried so much after Aiden was born, I don't know why. I was crying before too, but that's because I was terrified. Her blood pressure had reached 191/109 when I left the room. My mother, who was texting me the whole time, wisely didn't tell me that it's highest point was 242 over something. I wouldn't have been able to handle that. But, no c-section. She pushed him out all on her own. And I saw it. It was disgusting, but strangely beautiful. Not something I personally would ever want to go through, but she made it look easy. There were no screams of pain, and she only voiced that she couldn't do it once, that I heard. Even thinking about it makes my eyes start to prickle again. I hated seeing her in so much pain, and, for a second, I hated that poor helpless baby for doing it to her. I quickly got over it when I saw him squeeze his way out. Then Des and I hugged and cried, I continued to cry, and cry. After he was all cleaned up and wrapped in a blanket, Grandma brought him to me, and held him out to me. I took him, and (through sobbing) said "You're giving him to me?" Her reply was something along the lines of "Haven't you been there for her with everything?" I took him, and tears fell all over that perfect little face. I was a wreck. And even after all that work, she still looked gorgeous, and I'm going to cry again.

Goodnight.

Woah.

I actually watched her do it. I watched her have her baby, and she did amazingly. Ten times better than I would have ever expected of her. She pushed a 7.15 pound baby out of her fucking vagina, and she didn't even cry, I was the one bawling me eyes out over every single thing that happened. She is amazing. I have never been so proud of her in my life.