A Million Things.

I have a million bazillion things running through my mind right now. I could write about my dissapointing weekend, but I don't want to. Sure, some of my friends did get caught drinking by my mom. Sure, he brought his girlfriend. Sure, we got yelled and cursed at and called ghetto by a bunch of trashy people for drawing a penis in the road with chalk. Sure, I did finally break down and cry in front of them. Sure, I pocket-called my friend while I was sobbing pathetically and freaked her out.

But that's really all there is to it.

Today, today was something. Today was one of those days, where it doesn't feel like you. It feels like you were supposed to be acting as someone else in a movie, or a show, but you forgot to memorize the script, and were too embarrassed to admit it, so you just went out there anyways. I get that feeling alot, but more so today. It had something to do with the color of the sky, and the bilboard I saw.

On the way home from her ultrasound I was in the backseat smoking a cigarette. We were out a stoplight, and I looked out the window. Up against the bright blue sky was a bilboard advertising the lung cancer treatment at some hospital. A Killers song was on in the backround, and the music just fit. This sounds dumb now that I think about it, but I suppose you had to be there.

Other than that, what's new? I'm getting over it. I really need to. I really want to. I'm tired of it, of everything. The pictures she put up of them together didn't seem to bother me today. Maybe because all I could think of was how he ended up with such a nasty girl. Which I feel bad for saying, but it's true. She just doesn't look like she tries. I guess if he's happy with that then whatever. He could just do better for himself.

I figured it out. I don't want him back. I want the old him back. His brain's so fried from drugs, that even after a month sober, he still isn't who he used to be. He isn't what I want anymore. He's so much more defiant. Rebellious. He doesn't seem to respect many people anymore. I miss who he used to be. But that boy is never coming back. So I'm done.

Now I'm stuck chasing after the other boy. The one who tells me he's destined to be alone, but can't seem to keep away from me. He'll cause trouble. But hey, I'm still in high school. I'm aloud to be reckless. I want to find someone to love and be loved by. It's time for an adventure.