Why do I always have to feel so numb?

It doesn't make sense to me. Why can't I express and feel emotion like a normal person.


Maybe I just need a trigger. Something to wash over me so I can finally at least break down over this. Because I'm either doing a really great thing, or a really terrible thing. Breaking down is a normal after effect. So why haven't I done it.

Because I decided it would be easier to be happy. I've never made that decision before. Ever. I've always choosen the darker road. I'm not the type of person who goes out of her way to be happy. I'm the opposite. So what changed?

Maybe my subconscious has a horrible plan. A plan which consists of me holding in every feeling and pain I have from what happened. A plan that differs from the normality of embracing pain. Maybe everything will stay tied up inside until that last possible moment, and maybe that will cause everything to be ten times worse than it would normally have been.

Or maybe I'm just fucking crazy.