Here it is again, yet it stings like the first time.

What do I want? That's a good question, isn't it. I want you to be happy, I want me to be happy. I want us to be happy together. But guess what, I don't remember what that looks like. We spent so much time together before you left, and I can barely remember it.

The reality is that I built a wall.
"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."
That's what I did.

While you were gone, I thought about you, but I blocked out the memories we had. Because it was painful to remember them. Now I have to strain to even remember glimpses.

Whether or not I like it, I learned to live without you. I still spoke to you, thought about you, missed you. But I filled my time up so that I wasn't given an opportunity to break down over you.

It doesn't help that no one else really understands how difficult it is. Everyone's just happy for us. It's cool. But they don't know how it feels. How fucking hard it is. Yes, I want you here, but not if it means that you're going to have to leave again. It's a terrible terrible tease. I would honestly rather you be gone the entire time, without any breaks, than have you ripped away from me over and over again.

I know this is more difficult for you. I know you have to leave everyone behind you. But I don't. I have a choice. You signed up for this, not me. And if you want me to be happy while you're back, then it's going to be fake. Because I am not happy. We established this before you came home. Not that it accomplished anything. I tried to talk to you about it. I guess you just don't understand?

And now you're mad at me. Because I'm not happy. I'm not trying to fuck with your head. I'm not trying to play games, or be confusing. I just don't know what to do. I love you, I really do. But that doesn't mean I am cut out for this. I can't move to Hawaii with you. What's in Hawaii for me? You, and some uncle I've met a few times. That's it. I can't abandon my life for you. I can't put on a smile and hold your hand and be the perfect girlfriend if it's all a lie.

I don't enjoy having to explain to everyone what's going on with us. Why can't you just talk to ME. I don't care if it's not something I wanna hear. I'd rather hear it from you than other people.

Maybe we aren't right. What if that's the problem. What if the first time things went wrong, we were supposed to stay apart. And because we didn't we're both upset now. Maybe I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle this. Maybe I subconsciously put myself in this position because I like feeling like shit.

Maybe we are right.

But there are too many "maybes". All I want to know is what is. And how am I supposed to figure that out?