I wish,

I had more to say to you than just "I miss you."

It's starting to feel so hollow. But I don't have anything else to say. I don't want to talk about school, or people, or work. Those things are a waste of time. They aren't intersting. But that doesn't leave much to talk about.

I don't know why, but today has been one of the hardest days so far. Hard enough for me to clean my room. In order for my room to get cleaned, I have to be in a HORRIBLE mood. And it's clean. I still don't feel better. I want a hug.

Dear You;

Here's the story.
We went out. You know that. But nothing about it was good. We fought and fought and fought over the most pointless things. Everything. We never did anything fun or spontaneous. He wasn't nice to me, and I wasn't nice to him. Nothing about it was worth it. Not at all the way it is with you.

With you, everything is perfect. Everything is fun, and everything is beautiful. More than once I have purposefully put myself into a bad mood just to see if you could get me out of it. You always have. You're sexy, smart, funny, and perfect in every way. There isn't a thing about you I would change, except for your location. Florida is a little too far away for my liking.

I wish you were here, to hold me in your arms. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and that is the truth. You're different from every guy I've ever been with or liked. You're smart, strong, successfull, you even have the same values as me. You actually graduated high school. That alone is a huge step up from every other guy. Because you aren't just one of those guys. You are you. You're Travis, and you are amazing. You care about me, more than I would have ever even hoped for. And I miss you more than you could even imagine. You're the last thing I think about every night. And the first thing every morning. I'm not even attracted to anyone else, and I don't feel any desire to be with another person. Which is alot of why that relationship with him didn't work. Because all I could think of was you. All I wanted was you, and he knew it. He pulled some stupid shit that I shouldn't have fallen for, but did. He said that it wasn't worth waiting for you, and he was here now when you couldn't be. He said he'd be there for me, but he wasn't. All he had time for was bashing other people behind their backs.

I've never heard anyone say a single thing against you, excluding one person, but she was just jealous. I haven't ever worried about my friends or family liking you, because I know that it isn't possible. You have the most amazing personality, and you're still respectful. You can tell sooo much about a guy by the way they treat their mom, and you treat her the right way. You're so grown up and mature, and I admire you for it. I wish I could be like you. You're my better half. We fit together so perfectly, and you balance me out just right. Everything about us is right. And that is the truth. I've never felt so close to another human being. I've never been so comfortable with anyone else before. And I miss you so much. I hope you feel better about last nights conversation after reading this, because I feel terrible about it. If I could go back and erase what happened I would. In a heartbeat. I just hope you don't hold it against me forever, even though it would be fair if you did.

I miss you baby. Every night without you is just a little bit worse. The day I see you again will be the best I've ever had.

I hope you're sleeping good.
Love, Me.

I miss you.

I haven't seen you in 3 months and 3 days. And I won't see you for another 2 months.

What else is there to say?

Fuck :(

The Dream.

It began with the fact allready in my mind that I was pregnant. This being said, I did not look down at my whale body and react with anything more than mild acknowledgmeent. I was huge. For some reason, I hadn't told anyone yet, so I went to find the father. I knew who he was, and when I got to his house and told him he reacted pretty strangely. And told me I had to sleep on the floor from now on. I know. What the fuck? Anyways, after I told him, I left, and life seemed to go on pretty normallly. Then I went into labor, and we were off to the hospital. The room was huge. The bed was set up, and there was room for over 20 people to stand and watch. Althout there were only around ten. Family and such. The father wasn't there, but his parents were. I had just been given an iv with, what I thought, was just pain killers. I fell asleep.
When I woke up, the room was empty except for my mom, and I was no longer pregnant. An icy cover of anxiety and worry poured over me. Where was the baby? Was everything ok? And why wasn't I awake for her birth? I stuttered out all of those questions at the same time, and my mom just looked at me, with a look that said "You're an idiot." The father's family took the baby. They drugged me, and took my baby. I started sobbing, but no one was there to comfort me. My mom was there, but all she wanted was to leave the hospital and get on with our lives. I tried asking her where they took my baby, her only response was, "It doesn't matter."
I've never experienced being a mother having their child ripped away from them before, so it's amazing that I'd be able to feel it, even in a dream. All I know is that it was the worst pain I have ever felt. I never got to hold my baby, or touch her, or see her. I wouldn't make her bottles late at night, and I wouldn't teach her to walk or ride a bike. She would never call me "Mommy."
I just don't understand why I had this dream. And it was so vivid, that even now, three days later, it breaks my heart to even write about.
I woke up from it with tears streaming out the corners of my eyes, and my hands holding my stomach, the way a pregnant girl would hold hers.