22.4.11
21.4.11
11.4.11
3.3.11
14.2.11
13.2.11
12.2.11
5.1.11
31.10.10
13.10.10
Another day.
No money.
No motivation.
Gross, looking for jobs today...Ugh. Well it would solve the first problem.
I don't want to go to SP 111. I want to go back to bed.
No, I want to go to the beach. I wish I had a full tank of gas.
I just don't want to do this, this responsiblity. It is not making me happy. I just want to graduate already. Then have some sort of minimum wage job, that pays just enough for me to be able to move into the apartment. I essentially need to be able to come up with 600-1000 dollars a month.
But then there's the car sitch. I won't have one if I move out. Fuck.
I hate saving money.
No motivation.
Gross, looking for jobs today...Ugh. Well it would solve the first problem.
I don't want to go to SP 111. I want to go back to bed.
No, I want to go to the beach. I wish I had a full tank of gas.
I just don't want to do this, this responsiblity. It is not making me happy. I just want to graduate already. Then have some sort of minimum wage job, that pays just enough for me to be able to move into the apartment. I essentially need to be able to come up with 600-1000 dollars a month.
But then there's the car sitch. I won't have one if I move out. Fuck.
I hate saving money.
10.10.10
I am disgusted. With everything.
I guess I wasn't finished...
When we dated, your mother didn't like me, and never went out of her way to be nice. For no reason. I was always polite and respectful. Now you're dating a girl, who two months ago, you were on the phone with me saying: "Well this friend of mine walked all the way from her place to mine, and it's too late for her to walk back. And she just really wants to fuck, but she's engaged." And I was like, "I don't care."
But now you're dating her. This girl, who was JUST engaged to someone else. This girl who was trying to have sex with you, while engaged to someone else.
1. If she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you.
2. I cannot think of a single reason for anyone to approve of that. And everyone does. They all do. Even your mom.
I really just hate how fucking unhappy I am. When you get to be happy. You get everything you want. Why can't I get that. I have to try so fucking hard to please everybody, but for what? Nothing.
I try to make things work with someone, with the support of his friends, and end up finding out he has had a girlfriend the entire time.
I try to just be friends with someone else, and he tries to get me to sleep with him, and when I don't, he offers me pills in hopes that they will change my mind. And when that fails, he leaves. Straight up: "If you don't want to fuck, then I don't want to be here."
I try to make something else work, and he gets pissed because I don't have the money to drive all the way out to where he is.
Logically, I should stop trying. But I can't. Or just won't.
I'm miserable. I hate my school. I hate my classes. I hate the creep who won't leave me alone. I hate this house. I hate that my mom got married so soon. I hate that I look at the marriage and don't see an ounce of happiness. I hate that I am home as little as possible. I hate that I've squirmed my way into my best friend's family without being invited. I hate that I don't have a job. I hate that I'm ashamed of being who I am. And I hate that there's probably only one person who will read this, and she will laugh, and this is embarrassing. And I hate that I don't know how to make it so she can't read it. I hate that I don't have friends. I hate that I smoke. I hate that my dad got back together with her, just as I was starting to talk to him again, for the first time in years. I hate how badly I'm craving attention. I hate that I've been sitting by myself for an hour, crying. I hate that I'm a dirty fucking slut.
I hate how ashamed of myself I have become.
When we dated, your mother didn't like me, and never went out of her way to be nice. For no reason. I was always polite and respectful. Now you're dating a girl, who two months ago, you were on the phone with me saying: "Well this friend of mine walked all the way from her place to mine, and it's too late for her to walk back. And she just really wants to fuck, but she's engaged." And I was like, "I don't care."
But now you're dating her. This girl, who was JUST engaged to someone else. This girl who was trying to have sex with you, while engaged to someone else.
1. If she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you.
2. I cannot think of a single reason for anyone to approve of that. And everyone does. They all do. Even your mom.
I really just hate how fucking unhappy I am. When you get to be happy. You get everything you want. Why can't I get that. I have to try so fucking hard to please everybody, but for what? Nothing.
I try to make things work with someone, with the support of his friends, and end up finding out he has had a girlfriend the entire time.
I try to just be friends with someone else, and he tries to get me to sleep with him, and when I don't, he offers me pills in hopes that they will change my mind. And when that fails, he leaves. Straight up: "If you don't want to fuck, then I don't want to be here."
I try to make something else work, and he gets pissed because I don't have the money to drive all the way out to where he is.
Logically, I should stop trying. But I can't. Or just won't.
I'm miserable. I hate my school. I hate my classes. I hate the creep who won't leave me alone. I hate this house. I hate that my mom got married so soon. I hate that I look at the marriage and don't see an ounce of happiness. I hate that I am home as little as possible. I hate that I've squirmed my way into my best friend's family without being invited. I hate that I don't have a job. I hate that I'm ashamed of being who I am. And I hate that there's probably only one person who will read this, and she will laugh, and this is embarrassing. And I hate that I don't know how to make it so she can't read it. I hate that I don't have friends. I hate that I smoke. I hate that my dad got back together with her, just as I was starting to talk to him again, for the first time in years. I hate how badly I'm craving attention. I hate that I've been sitting by myself for an hour, crying. I hate that I'm a dirty fucking slut.
I hate how ashamed of myself I have become.
I'm scared.
I'm scared that I stuffed all my intelligence so deeply far down, and swallowed it all back so far, that it's gone completely.
I'm scared to actually try to reach my potential, in case it has disappeared from lack of use.
I'm scared I won't be loved, but I reach out to all the wrong people.
I'm scared I'll never be able to get another job.
I'm scared of disappointing my mother, which I surely have done.
I'm scared I'll never find the motivation to do anything with my life.
I'm scared because it doesn't feel like God can hear me when I pray anymore.
I hate myself again.
I'm scared to actually try to reach my potential, in case it has disappeared from lack of use.
I'm scared I won't be loved, but I reach out to all the wrong people.
I'm scared I'll never be able to get another job.
I'm scared of disappointing my mother, which I surely have done.
I'm scared I'll never find the motivation to do anything with my life.
I'm scared because it doesn't feel like God can hear me when I pray anymore.
I hate myself again.
26.8.10
24.8.10
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