Yesterday:

I ate lunch by myself.

Rephrase: I spent the entire lunch period by myself. Not by choice.



For the first time since I started going there. Over three years ago.



I'm embarrassed to say I cried the whole drive home. But there were a few tiny other things that brought me to tears. So I feel slightly less pathetic. Somehow.

I don't know what to say.

But do I ever?

I just don't understand. Nothing about this is fair. Nothing.

I kinda miss being happy. For some reason it doesn't come around much anymore.

He called me. Said the usual; I miss you, it sucks here, I'm doing good, some guy hit on me in the showers, etc. It didn't feel like I was talking to him though, not really. It felt too fake. He felt too far away.



Anf for the record: you're aggravating me. I'm not gonna smile and laugh when you see an advertisement on TV for the Navy and you call them "fags." They aren't fags. And one of them I happen to be in love with. So fuck you. I don't want to go to your house for hours and sit and play video games. There's nothing wrong with your house, it's just that we're always there. Doing nothing. And if we aren't there, we're out with the rest of the boys doing stupid airsofting shit. Which was cool at first, but it's the ONLY fucking thing you guys do. I swear to God. Sometimes you say sweet stuff, or make me smile, but usually I just want to punch you in the face. I'm just getting more and more irritated. I'm not ready. And I don't think we click as well as we thought we would. I'm sorry, but that's the reality of it. Because maybe I miss someone else a hell of alot more than you. And there's really no nice way to tell someone that, is there?